I am really struggling inside with how to divide my time between things I want to do, and the things that I need to do. Back in the day when I did not work full time, it wasn’t hard to lay out a plan of action, but now that I work full time with an excessive amount of over-time, I can’t get a grip. Sometimes I wonder if I am struggling more with unnecessary guilt, or if it is conviction?
When I did more ministry work, I would get up and get my son off to school, and after that head to the gym. There I did group weight training and afterwards go for a bike ride to get in some cardio. Once I got back home and showered, I would spend the rest of my day studying the Word of God and praying until it was time to start dinner and go get my son from school. Now, I work in the marketplace and nothing in my life functions the same. I admit, I am struggling with a huge amount of guilt because I can’t seem to find my footing spiritually or physically. I now get out of bed at 5AM and do a short devotion before heading off to work so I can be there by 7AM. On a good day, I get off work by 4PM, and on bad days it can be as late as 8PM.
No longer do I have time to pray or study the Word of God like I use to do. When I have a really good day time wise, I will take time and pray a some, but sometimes that happens more in the car then anywhere else. I talk a lot to God, but lately I don’t feel like I hear as much. I confess, that often I will flop in front of the television for a while and suspend my imagination while surfing the net or watching a show. I ponder if I should eliminate all television during the week and only watch it during the weekends. Yet, on the weekends I want to make sure I spend time with my husband and family.
I belong to a gym, but I mostly try to squeeze in cardio by going road or mountain biking. I haven’t lifted weights in a long time because I always ended up going on a bike ride when the weather is good, therefore the gym is out of question. I am really struggling inside with how to divide my time between things I want to do, and the things that I need to do. When I do work out, I feel bad because I haven’t prayed enough. If I don’t work out, I feel bad because I need to loose weight. See the pattern? I do as I type this….I am always beating myself up because of not doing something. I never feel I am good enough. I know that I am…I know this is a religious type of spirit, but how do I get over it? How do I stop feeling like I let God down because I don’t pray enough and because I know I should try to do all I can to lose weight?
I can’t keep on this round about. My life is not the same. I need to find this balance in life that I am forever seeking. I want to be able to get up in the morning early enough to read my bible, study some, pray, and then go to work. Come home at a decent time and work out /ride a bike and get dinner ready and relax for the evening. Or should I get up and work out, try and do a devotion, go to work, come home and go for a bike ride, cook dinner and relax. Argghhhhh….I am so frustrated just thinking about it again.
God, help me. I know I should always put your first, and I know that does not mean that I have to read so many chapters a day and pray for a certain amount of time to show you that YOU are first in my life. Help me to get off this round about. Help me to hear what you are speaking to my heart more loudly then the religious spirit that is screaming to me that it is never enough. That I am never enough. Heal me Father and deliver me from this self condemnation.