I’ve had this image in my mind since I woke up this morning. An image of a woman in a wheelchair who keeps trying to get up and walk, but each time she gives up and sits back down. Even putting weight onto her arms to try and lift up her body is exhausting, so she quickly changes her mind and sinks back down into the chair. It’s like a moment of hope comes and she tries to get up, but each time exhaustion wins. Not just physical exhaustion, but mental exhaustion. Just the whole premise of trying to get up and walk again makes her feel tired, so she easily gives up. It appears that the woman does not care anymore if she walks or not. She seems like she remembers how it feels to walk, but not enough to keep trying because the desire is gone and the flame has burned out.
I believe that this woman represents me. She represents how I feel deep inside spiritually. Once upon a time I was part of something bigger than myself. I had visions and dreams. I was mentored and then became a mentor. I traveled. I preached. I was a mouthpiece for God. Then…I got hurt, and I haven’t been able to get back up. I was hurt by my mentor, who was my spiritual father and by those I mentored. All because I wanted to rest for a season. My wounds go deep and I haven’t been able to recover.
I was finally able to reach out to my spritual father this past week on his birthday after all these years. I wished him a happy birthday and we had a brief conversation via email. I’ve wanted to reach out to him many times but wasn’t able to. I wasn’t ready. I guess I am now. Time heals all wounds, right?
Last night I had a dream of this huge house. There was so many rooms in the house that lay dusty and undiscovered. I wish I could remember the entire dream, but I can’t. What I do remember very vividly is that in one corner of the house we had to dig up an old bush or something. The corner of the foundation had to be broken. Once all the old roots and debris was removed, from within the ground a great big tree started growing. At least I think it was a tree…maybe it was a vine. All I know is that it grew fast and reached high into the heavens. I remember how it seemed to be unwinding from underneath the ground, like it had been bound up and was now ready to grow.
I don’t know what this dream means yet, but it was one of the first prophetic dreams I’ve had in a long time. Maybe it was because I reached out to my spiritual father, or maybe it was a coincidence. I don’t know what it means, but I know it was something that will be revealed to me in time. I do know this…I want to get out of my “chair”. I don’t want to be spiritually crippled anymore.