Do I Binge Eat?

I have been way off track in my eating habits lately.  Why is it that I can be going along and doing so well, then BAM!  KAPOW!  I am eating sweet things like there is no tomorrow.  It’s like, I know it starts happening but I don’t stop it.  Is this binge eating?

I have heard so many podcasts from Half Size Me, and Heather touches on this subject quite often.  Although I have heard stories from different people being interviewed, I never really thought that I was someone who could be classified as a binge eater.  Sometimes I would hear the interviews and wonder to myself if I had some of the same struggles, but would quickly shrug it off.  I mean, after all, I never really ransacked my kitchen and ate everything fast and furious, hand over fist.  This is the image that always comes to my mind when I hear the words “binge eat.”  Although Buddy the Elf is funny, I realize that the subject is not.

Here’s what happens:  I do awesome, I track everything, I eat the right things, I work out, and I even allow myself treats (because I know what happens if I don’t).  Then somehow, someway, I sabotage all my efforts.   Tonight I started thinking about all this.  I had thought that I have been off course for maybe 2 weeks, but in looking at my WW tracker, I can see it has been almost a month!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Geez Dana!  Get it together girl!

I decided to play detective and try to pin point why I got off course.  I think I may have found some clues.

Clue 1:  First off, for my weigh-in on August 23^rd.   I had lost down to my 220’s and realized that I if I tried really hard, I could be in Onederland by the end of the year.  I only have a little over twenty pounds to go!  I remember sitting in the meeting beaming inside.  Yet, those thoughts led to how I had lost all my weight before, got into Onederland, and to my goal weight, then my life went topsy turvy.  I ended up gaining almost all my weight back.  Something I said I would never do!

Clue 2:  That same week, I decided to eat a cream filled Long John from Publix.  I know that this treat is one that I definitely lack self-control with.  I actually prefer the powdered sugar ones they make, and luckily they rarely make them.  Well, that day I was shopping and I hadn’t been feeling the greatest and saw some chocolate iced cream filled Long Johns.  I had been getting my husband treats from the bakery whenever I go to Publix, but rarely got myself one, so I decided that I “deserved” one that day.  The only thing is, I bought 2…not one Long John, but 2 Long Johns.  BIG MISTAKE!

I ate one on the way home and figured I would eat the other one later.   I got home and started thinking about how embarrassed I would be if my husband knew I got myself two donuts.  He definitely would never say anything to me, and never has before.   I started eating the donut before he got home because I didn’t want him to see it.  I started feeling ashamed of myself and stopped eating it because I felt so disgusted with what I was doing.  I put the donut back in the box right about the time I heard my husband come home.   You know what I did?  I hid the box like a little kid.  Seriously?  What is wrong with this picure??

After the coast was clear, I started thinking about my love of cream filled Long Johns and how I am somehow obsessed with cream filled pastries, etc.  I really believe somehow they are my nemesis.  The root of the problem, I believe, comes from when I was a little girl and ate some Cream Horns that was designated for my step-dad’s lunch.  I got in a lot of trouble for eating them.  I think it was because we didn’t have a lot of money back then and they were his special treat for lunch.  I really don’t remember why, I just remember crying a lot because of it.   So, I think there is some kind of connection here.   I decided right then and there to not eat cream filled donuts or any donut for six months.  I even told God that I would fast them for Him.  No, God did not tell me to do that, I just wanted to do it because I felt so out of control.  I took a picture of my half eaten Long John and marked the day in my calendar.

I don’t think there needs to be any more clues.  Now, I just need to figure this out.  Why do I self-sabotage when I get close to my goals and am doing so well?  Of course by me telling myself that I can no longer eat Long Johns, I am eating every other kind of sweet that I can, but not just as a special treat.  I am treating myself way too often.  Where is the balance that I seek?

I am praying and asking God to help by giving me wisdom and knowledge on what to do, and how to do it.  In Phillipians 4:13 it says, “For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength”  This is my mantra.